The Stay and Work at Home Mom Blog

More over yesterday’s post… this isn’t even what I wanted to talk about.

I promise that the majority of us living with mental illness wish we weren’t. It would be awesome to roll with life’s punches and make lemonade from lemons.

I’m stuck in a world where the unknown is terrifying. Authority figures power trip too much. People won’t listen to you, they answer questions you’re not asking.

The stress should be emphasized. Post traumatic stress is just stress after trauma. But it’s the blood pressure raising stress, the considering taking up smoking again, stress. The stress that causes long term illness. The stress that makes your neck ache never go away.

There are documented known behaviors and reactions among people who have been diagnosed with PTSD and GAD, so it’s certainly nothing that should come as a shock when someone can’t simply calm down. It should be obvious that the reactions to situations that seem overblown, actually aren’t. They’re within the realm of norms for people who are suffering from mental illness. There is a kink in the cognitive function.

Situations that are mildly stressful for some can become events in which the anxiety is so debilitating it’s actually shocking to the person going through it. I was completely taken aback by the anxiety attack I had prior to speaking to our leasing management company, because of the fear of not knowing how the conversation would turn out.

The thing that is particularly stinging is knowing that my reactions aren’t normal compared to others. There’s a hit to my self esteem and confidence each time I experience the symptoms of the illness, because I know I can’t simply get ahold of myself. Most people with PTSD experience these feelings. Its a complex contradiction, wanting to ask for help and support, but somehow you feel too ashamed to admit you’re possibly losing it from time to time. And the reactions from most people range from feigned empathy to open judgement.

One of the worst things a person can say to another suffering with mental illness, is, “I think you need to talk to your therapist, because *insert insult here*…” and that is used as a weapon, either by unsolicited advice or plain viciousness. Why? I mean, really, why? Are people so unaware of their own bullshit? And if so, can’t we all proclaim their lack of position to be telling anyone else about themselves?

Why haven’t we grown tired of being cruel to each other?

The first step of self care that I feel is a necessary tool which I can share is to make the space to normalize the experience of PTSD. Building walls is unhelpful but building boundaries is necessary to healing. You can’t heal if you feel like shit and allow others who won’t understand to invade your thoughts. PTSD doesn’t need to last forever if you can prepare yourself for proper growth.

Flowers don’t bloom well in bad dirt either… got to tend to the soil and ready the dirt.

While I am knee-deep in The Suck, though, I need to try to remember that panic and rage and shame and guilt are all part of this. I’m on the road to recovery but it’s okay to not like the journey.