This new year has to be different than the last year. I’m not saying that in a desperate way. I’m saying that in a, “I’m making changes”, way. 2019 was such a dark year. I was in a dark hole, I still find myself there, but at least I feel like I’m climbing out of it. I’m trying to really stick through my therapy and find my happy place again, where I feel like I can slow down and enjoy myself and my family.
I don’t know how therapy is going. I know that I won’t quit, because that would be dumb, especially given the amount of time I’ve invested in myself. I know where I am, and I know where I want to be. And I don’t know if CPT will get me there. I talked about it to my psychiatrist who wants me to talk more about it with my therapist, about if there are other therapy modalities I can explore to help me.
The thing with CPT – I’m already someone who spends an unusually large amount of time examining my thoughts, and where they come from, and why I think them, and are they logical or based in emotions or fear. I spend too much time, and CPT gets me to slow down even further, and I find it depressing. My psychiatrist recommended a book that is for people like me, that helps get me out of my head.
My goal is to feel like I don’t have to panic every time I’m around doctors or people in authority over me. I don’t want to feel like I need to take anxiety medication just to go deal with an illness or get a checkup. I don’t want to feel the anxiety building over days, anticipating the argument that I’m going to get into with the pediatrician. I play and replay all of the possible scenarios in my head until I show up to my appointment, in full defense mode, ready to pounce if I even get a whiff that they are not listening, not taking me seriously, or questioning me and my instinct.
The issue I have with my therapy – will I ever not feel that way? I saw a quote online that said, “You don’t need to be able to see the entire staircase. Just take the first step.” That’s been an issue in my head about my therapy – where is it going and is it helping me, and what will it look like when it’s wrapped up. Will I feel better? What if I don’t? What will I do? And the anxiety sets in.
I am just trying to remember, I got through last year, so I know I will get through this one.
One thing I am doing differently this year, is taking Saturday mornings to myself. After some convincing from my husband, along with a couple instances of having to leave the baby with him and it working out great, I am taking his advice and taking Saturday mornings to myself. My husband told me about his mom going to work at a florist and they had Saturdays with their father, and he remembers it fondly! So, fine. I bought a journal, and I made a list of things I am going to do, no kids, no work. Last Saturday, I met a friend of mine for coffee and we had the best chat. This Saturday, I’m meeting another friend and we are exchanging books – I’m getting a homeshcool curriculum book to help teach my daughter to read, and I’m giving her a book written by a midwife on natural childbirth, as my friend is pregnant.
Also coming in my new year, I have been approached a couple times, and am finally going to be applying for Leadership with the La Leche League, which is a credentialed volunteer position. After being certified as a Leader, I can have my own meetings and help support breastfeeding moms in a more official capacity. I feel so privileged and also humbled to be able to be in such a place to support other moms where they are. Its not a dogma – this way or not. It’s truly supporting individuals in their own personal journeys.
I also hope to be able to be more supportive with the post partum group I have been going to for nearly a year now. It will go hand in hand supporting breastfeeding, as 100% of the moms I come across will be in the post partum period. I will be able to be a great advocate for moms who are struggling, and because of my connections now, I can help facilitate them getting help and feeling supported through that. Feeling not judged. Feeling validated and normalized.
I feel very called to support different moms where they are in their own motherhood roller coasters, as I was supported by several different moms when I needed it. I struggled so much, and there were hands there when I reached out – even though it took a while, I have built myself a network of moms, and I know I don’t have to go through The Suck alone. And I want to give that back, and I feel very lucky to be in a position to do just that.
Adding to my plate in this year will be Surrey’s official homeschool registration and diving down into what will be her future. We are exploring Unschooling and self-directed education, and it’s something very appealing to me, as I get very real about her personality and how we will work together. She has recently complained of boredom at her pre-school and that is because they are preparing her for kindergarten… But she’s not going. They have her sit and do worksheets. They have her with more structured time, and less free play. How sad is that??? She’s got a few more months and then that’s that, and frankly, I’m happy about this experience for her, and I’m happy to wrap it up. She will NOT have to go through the misery that is described to me by ALL her teachers, that kindergarten will be. No play, it’s math worksheets! I feel so convicted in choosing homeschooling for her. Her sweet and vibrant personality, so full of energy, won’t be tamped down and drowned out.
I guess, it feels good to write all this down… my little blog here. I have real goals and things to look forward to in this year. I am going to try so hard to not be that ship in the ocean, being tossed around by the waves, bracing for the storms, and just barely weathering them. I am, one way or another, going to grab that ship wheel and steer it myself. And I know it’s going to be pretty hard at times, but I know I can do this. I can beat the depression, I can beat the anxiety, and PTSD is something I can survive also.
Here’s to the new year, the new decade, and to a new mentality for me. When you hit a bottom, the only place to go is up.
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